Bored to perfection
Throw A Party So Terrible, That The Damage Is Unbearable
Avni Lalchandani, AIS Vas 6, X A
We’ve all been to those mind-numbingly dull parties where time seems to stretch on like a bad movie marathon. But what if you could be the mastermind behind such an event? Yes, my friend, this is your guide to hosting the ultimate snooze-fest, a party so boring, that your guests will talk about it for years (mainly about how fast they ran for the exit). Buckle up, because we’re about to make boredom an art form.
Step 1: The invitations
Forget sending invites to people who actually enjoy each other’s company. Where’s the fun in that? The secret to a truly dreary party lies in bringing together complete strangers with nothing in common. Your neighbour’s cousin who only speaks in cat memes? Check. The colleague who can recite the entire terms and conditions of a software update? Double check. By all means, avoid inviting people with any shared interests, they might accidentally bond and enjoy themselves.
Step 2: The venue
Pick a venue that’s not only hard to find but harder to leave. A rundown basement on the edge of nowhere. Maybe a venue located one bus, two trams, and a 15-minute walk away. Bonus points if there’s zero cellphone reception, ensuring no one can Uber their way out. Parking? Ha! Make them park three streets down and hike back like it’s a survival reality show, minus the thrill.
Step 3: Decorations
Who needs Pinterest-worthy décor when you can have - nothing? Or, better yet, just blow up three balloons and let them slowly deflate in the corner as a metaphor for your guests’ enthusiasm. Scatter a few sad, half-torn streamers here and there.
Step 4: Seating
Not enough seating is the key. Force half your guests to stand awkwardly while the lucky ones battle over a mix of uncomfortable chairs, beanbags that deflate on impact, and a suspiciously sticky couch.
Extra points if the furniture looks like it survived a yard sale.
Step 5: The food
They say food brings people together, but you’re aiming to keep them apart, both emotionally and gastronomically. Offer dishes so bland that they make cardboard taste gourmet. Plain boiled pasta with no sauce, crackers with a mystery spread, and, of course, the pièce de resistance: a veggie platter with exactly two types of vegetables, both raw and both terrible. For drinks, lukewarm water in solo cups.
Step 6: The big finale
Most parties end with a slow fade of guests trickling out. When it’s time, you will end it with an abrupt and unapologetic flick of the lights. Begin cleaning up around your guests while they awkwardly stand, trying to decide if you’re serious. Remember, it’s all about extinguishing even the faintest glimmer of fun. With these tips, you’ll be the talk of the town....or at least the whisper of it.