Enough is enough

Aarushi Singh, AIS Gurugram 46, X H

Dear agonised child,
You think you are the only one who gets to bear all the wrath. Well, knowing that you are not alone might give you some solace. Seems like you conspired with the entire world, including the ones I counted upon to infuriate me. So, this one’s for you and all of them.

To the magic dish… What a twisted snake you are! Who knew that beneath your yellow packing of sunshine happiness, lay so many lies. You kept calling yourself two minute noodle, something that never happened. But I forgave you, for you were still a saviour on those tired evenings after work. But then you came home with lead in it. What a shame, Maggi! 

To my tot’s best friend… Ahh, the mellow fragrance, the silky texture, the villain in disguise. *cracks knuckles* Could you please take us through the feeling of stabbing someone in the back? You were supposed to be the armour and not the weapon. You promised to give no more tears but in fact ended up giving all of us tears. Rings a bell, Johnsons?

To the one surfing in fame… Well, well, look who’s here. You think you can be complacent now that you sit on the bathroom shelf? Maybe, my daily glares don’t say it all. Don’t you feel ashamed telling your name considering you don’t ‘excel’ in your job at all. It’s frustrating, watching the uniforms’ pure white shirt remain brown even after washing it thrice. And for the last time, daag ache NAHI hote, so stop misleading our kids!

To the gossipmonger…  Our dear Kanta bai! You are more effective than any Wi-Fi network. Only yesterday I told you about the new washing machine and today I heard about it from one of my neighbours. And oh, do you want to have a word about you telling the neighbour about us giving you a ‘negligible’ gift on Diwali? Traitor.

And last but not the least…
To you… If you thought this rant would not end on you, then you have never been so wrong, my dear child. Even if Tsunami was to knock our door this very moment, the root cause would be you. You get annoyed when we ask you to make online payments. So what if I don’t get technology? What about all the annoyance you cause me from the minute you wake up? And the embarrassment you have to deal with when I call you by your nick name in front of your friends. Talking of embarrassment, have you forgotten about the time you peed in your pants in the mall, when you were in grade II? So, stop telling me you are a grown-up. Because, to be honest, enough is enough.
Not-so-lovingly
Your mom

Red vs Green

The Never Ending Debate To Get The Perfect Nutrition

Pragya Pandey, AIS Vas 6, XI D

In his teenage and at his peppy best, Aakash visited his friend Rahul’s house. Both were playing PS 4 when Rahul’s mother entered with hare bhare kebab. She greeted Aakash, placed the platter on the coffee table and left. Want to know what ensued after? Read on to find out.

Aakash: Bro, what aunty cooks is really nice, but you must try chicken pops sometime. Slurp! My mouth is watering just from the thought of it.
Rahul (rolling his eyes): How many times must I tell you that I am a shuddh Brahmin. We DO NOT eat non veg.
Aakash (shrugging): I know that but it feels so stupid to have food preferences based on religion.
Rahul: It’s not just religion. I can’t eat anything that was once crawling in front of me. THAT IS SO CRUEL.
Aakash: Oh really? Where does your cruelty go when you cut down trees to make them your food?
Rahul: First of all, we do not cut ‘trees’ down, we cut the fruits that grow on trees. And secondly…never mind…your thick ‘fleshy’ brain won’t get the logic!
Aakash: Speaking of which, why don’t you tell me what’s the logic behind eating rabbit food, anyway? It’s neither tasty, nor healthy.
Rahul: You’ve got to be kidding me! Have you tasted soybean…ever? And don’t even get me started on health benefits of eating veg. Virat Kohli didn’t turn vegetarian for no reason.
Aakash: Oh my saint friend! Thank you! One person not eating meat means more meat available for me…haha!
Rahul: You are so insensitive. Here I am contributing to saving the environment, and look at you, just wasting all my sacrifices.
Aakash: Excuse me, I’m also contributing for the same cause.
Rahul: And how exactly are you doing that?
Aakash: I am maintaining the food chain...duh!
(just that very moment Aakash scored a goal)
Rahul: Don’t even get me started on this. Hey, can you switch off the AC?
Aakash (cheekily): My malnourished brother is feeling cold. Someone call the doctor! My friend here needs nutrients, including proteins.
Rahul: I get my proteins from legumes. Don’t you worry about me. In fact, you should consider heart stroke and diabetes which your meat causes. Go on eating meat. I’m not stopping you.
Aakash: I won’t listen to you anyway! And shift aside, I want space.
Rahul: Again, perfect example of obesity coursing through your veins.
(Rahul overcomes the goal)
Aakash (retortingly): This is called being healthy.
Rahul: It seems you have been spending too much time with your mother.
Aakash: Whatever!
(and the bickering along with the game goes on and on...)

Idioms in disguise

Popular Idioms With Meanings Not To Be Taken Literally

Nandini Ramesh, AIS Gurugram 43, Alumna

Idioms often do a fantastic job of delivering opinions in a subtle, indirect manner, and hilarious, if taken literally. Here are some that might ‘tickle your funny bone’:

Keep your chin up
Try to keep your chin up for at least 48 hours straight. Aside from the minor problems of not being able to see, bumping into people and straining your neck, this activity will be interesting.
FYI: To remain cheerful in tough situations

Put your money where your mouth is
Stick multiple notes and coins in your mouth. Your gums could bleed and you might end up devouring a few coins but hey, at least you experienced an idiom firsthand!
FYI: To prove one’s sincerity

Wear your heart on your sleeve
This one can be a bit costly. Try finding a surgeon who’s ready to do an illegal operation of taking a heart out. All for the love of English.
FYI: Display your emotions openly

Bury your head in the sand
Imagine digging a hole in sand and your head inside the hole. What’s in store? Large amounts of sand in your mouth. 
FYI: To ignore or hide from a problem

Raining cats and dogs
Paints a hilarious mental image of cats and dogs falling from the sky.
FYI: Raining heavily

Cat got your tongue
Get yourself a cat and make it grab your tongue. If mission is accomplished, enormous amount of pain will follow.
FYI: To be speechless

Hairy at the heel
It is an uncommon idiom, used extensively by Agatha Christie as a striking and amusing image of a hairy foot.
FYI: Someone who is rude or ill-bred

Hold your horses
Try to stack one horse over the other and hold them all together. You will have to bear the brunt of kicks, neighs and a bite or two. But then, no pain, no gain.
FYI: Wait a moment.