Pineapple pizza: blessing or curse?

You Can Try But Won’t Be Able To Find A More Controversial Pizza Topping!

Gouri Srivastava
AIS VKC Lucknow, IX B

You cannot go wrong with some bread, cheese, and marinara, or can you? For those looking to stir the pot and divide the table, a fleeting mention of one simple question would do – “Do you think pineapple belongs on a pizza?” Now, while some would exonerate this canned tropical fruit as an appropriate topping, others (quite a few at that) rabidly denounce this concoction. We, for one, avouch to concur with the former lot! *Some hundred thousand death stares, countless eye rolls later* Here’s how its defence played out in the courtroom.
[Disclaimer: Any resemblance to actual persons/foods, living or dead, is (not) purely coincidental. We aren’t looking for more disputes.]
“Milord, this “divisive” fruit, as they term it, once made the cut as Foodler’s top ten most popular pizza toppings,” stated the defense attorney as the judge nibbled on the slice of a large 9” pineapple pizza.
“But I just barely squeezed my way onto the list at number 9, just so you know, sir,” tacked on the low-esteemed defendant Mr Pineapple.
“That’s still a win, your honour! If not, just forget what he just said,” added the attorney angrily, side-eyeing his innocent yet thickheaded client.
The judge excitedly exclaimed, “One point for Team Gryff…Pineapple, I mean…nom nom!” The prosecution lawyer, quick to sense the judge’s shifting loyalties, detailed, “Your honour, the world-renowned chef Gordon Ramsey disapproves of this mix. Let’s give some weightage to expert opinion. In fact, President of Iceland, Mr Johannesson, went as far as pitching for it to be “outlawed”. Need I say more?”
The defense attorney fired back. “Justin Trudeau, anyone? ‘I stand behind this delicious Southwestern Ontario creation.’ That’s what he said!” “It’s a matter of personal choice. Don’t make it political, guys!” pleaded Mr Pineapple.
As both the attorneys locked horns, Sam Panopoulos, the inventor of the snack, decided to take a few shots of his own. “My lord, I came up with this tangy mix in the 1960s. Nobody dared questioned its legitimacy up until a few years back. I say, why now? I mean, if the world can accept avocado toasts, and cake pops, why not this?”
*Hoots and hollers echoed on one side of the court as the anti-pineapple cabal gasped and booed on the other side.*
“Objection, my lord! People have detested this snack from the get go,” shouted the prosecution lawyer.
“Object as you may,” continued Sam, “but the interplay between savoury and sweet is a thing for quite a long time now. Honey-baked ham, for instance. Paired with the salty strips of ham, pineapple helps lift the overall flavour through its sweetness. Moreover, if tomato, being a fruit, can earn that position, why, I ask, why not pineapple?”
Mr Tomato, seated in the audience, scoffed at the comparison. “Make some rich veggie connections like me, we’ll talk then,” he thought out loud.
The defense attorney googled more on this concoction and parroted, “To add on to what Mr Sam said, pineapple is a good alternative, sir. It is jam-packed with vitamin C, potassium, and fiber that help enzymes fight inflammation. Thus, pineapple on pizza means we can enjoy a slice of our fav treat guilt-free.”
“After effectively listening to both the sides, this court has reached a conclusion that Mr Pineapple is…”
*the clock strikes one*
“It’s lunch time! The court is adjourned until further notice!”
As the jury members and judge exited through the main door, the  rallying calls of “Justice for pineapple pizza” echoed through the room. “Oh! Sweet justice”, exclaimed someone in the audience. We wonder who!